What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

But, we were locked up after school.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

So whats the point in blame.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She loved him until the end.

I have no regrets .

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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I never cut or harmed myself..

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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Was to survive, this bastard.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

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He was dying to do it , i knew.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I said to her

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Who then, do I blame.?

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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

And i lived it daily.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

So, i spoilt her more .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I waited trembling.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

She wouldn,t have been !

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

We all went to grammer schools

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

She found it foreign!.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I think the readers, may guess!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I write beautiful poetry .

I don,t even have a pension.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

She was in good health!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I could never make a relationship work though!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

As i do to all so called friends.?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Why did i forgive my father ?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

It was going to be , some day.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Would this be the day?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I will be 64.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

My life is so biszare .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

This is soul school!.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I was very sick at this time too.

I was 9 years of age.

I was scared of men, in general

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

But ive been too sick for many years..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I was seconnd youngest,

I couldn’t, believe it.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Im still living with it.

All the time i was locked up.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Comes on , in middle age.

My family never makes their pension either.

Put me off passion for life!!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

She married twice! .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

We were not on the streets..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

One cannot live in the past .

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Ive learnt so much.

Especially a lifetime of it.

He knew the spot.

When she asked me how she looked .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

What did i know ?

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But it wasn’t much.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!